The Christian church has a surplus of two things: Beautiful, godly women and 30-year-old boys with beards. As a result, we are witnessing church-wide extended adolescence, the general acceptance of mid-life singleness, and a silent increase of pornography use. Now before we start, this article is going to upset three groups of Christian readers. First, the immature men. In a culture being overtaken by an ungodly form of feminism, men are increasingly feeling intimidated. Now, instead of growing up, knowing up, and showing up—most men, even Christian men, have opted for passivity in the form of workaholism, video games, and guy nights. This article shames each of those reactions as the Bible never embraces the idea of men evading their Biblical roles nor does it support the position of a lone man being a good thing (Genesis 2:18). Secondly, I will likely upset unbiblical women.